ξακόσιοι ξήκοντα ξι

WhaleHammer News Segement

• JACKSON: Now listen up you fuckers! This is the news!
• Everyone CHEERS.
• JACKSON: We go now to Ben for this special report we downloaded from the BBC!
• BEN: This next tragedy comes to us from the savage land of Africa! A boat was stolen two months ago from a village colloquially referred to as ‘Kwazulu-Natal.’ Who gives a shit, right? WRONG. That boat used to carry 150 children to school everyday. Now they have to cross crocodile infested waters on floating rubber tires; the nearest safe crossing point is twelve miles away, and there is not a single bus or car. We go now live at Kwazulu-Natal, where one of the local crocodiles has surfaced to speak his mind about the issues.
• (Go to CROCODILE interview).
• I hope everyone out here tonight remembers this story tomorrow while they’re drinking their Starbucks Mocha Latte Cappuccino Venti Coladas tomorrow morning.
• ALADDIN: Fuck poverty, that’s all I have to say. I think everyone out there agrees with me. Our next story tonight comes to us from ONE MILLION YEARS AGO. The oldest human remains in Western Europe have been discovered once again. This newest, oldest bone found in Atapuerca in Spain is a piece of jaw, which was recently discovered after the release of a coinciding report by the BBC. Jackson, can you tell us a little about that report?
• JACKSON: Well, I didn’t read the report but the headline would suggest that ancient civilizations had societal values just like us, and that may have cared for their elderly, who, according to wildly inaccurate carbon dating reports, may have lived to the ripe old age of 40 years. Since I don’t know anything about this story, let’s talk to some cavemen.
• (Run CAVEMEN)
• BEN: Holy shit, how did we even film that?
• ALADDIN: How did we film that indeed? (winks) Next on NewsHammer, the cultural fabric of Japan was torn asunder in a startling display of violence on the streets of Tsuchiura. Although the country experiences very little violent crime apart from the Yakuza gangsters and infrequent visits from Godzilla, a young man armed with a knife started stabbing people for no reason.
• JACKSON: When he was detained by police, he purportedly alleged that he “Just wanted to kill anyone.” Of the eight people stabbed during the rampage, there was one fatality. Ben, can you give us a little insight as to what these figures mean?
• (Show some kind of graph on the background? Numbers, something)
• BEN: Well, if we were to assess a score based on the killings, one out of eight, that’s just seventeen percent. No matter where you are in the world, seventeen percent is a failing grade, and in Japan, good grades are a major part of the culture. This could be devastating for young Masahiro Kanagawa, whose parents are probably embarrassed he was ever born.
• ALADDIN: Let’s see what the experts have to say, shall we? NewsHammer interviewed some Stabbing Frenzy enthusiasts who shed a little light on the technique of the matter.
• BEN: And that’s it for the news tonight! Come back next week to see if we do this segment again!
• [We won't.]